Lest We Forget: Cheryl Cole

I have to say, I'm incredibly sick of hearing about Cheryl Cole and seeing her paraded all over the mainstream media like some kind of saint. Thanks to The X Factor, it seems the entire country is love with this fucking idiot, and thinks the sun shines from just about every orifice of her body. Let's be honest, she does scrub up well, but I'm not denying her physical attractiveness.

However, let's also remind ourselves that this is the same woman that was convicted of assaulting a toilet attendant in a Guildford nightclub. Apparently, Cheryl Tweedy, as she was known at the time, didn't call the attendant a 'fucking black bitch' as she punched her forcefully in the eye, but merely a 'fucking bitch'. Well, that's alright then, isn't it? As long as you're not racist, punching people in the face is fine.

Sophie Amogbokpa, after

meeting with Cheryl Cole/Tweedy

(image from www.thesun.co.uk)

Her victim, Sophie Amogbokpa, was left with a severely swollen eye, and only received £500 in damages, which is frankly appalling. Cole was made to pay legal costs, of course, and given 120 hours of community service which, as far as I'm concerned, means she got away with it.

She should have been sacked from her shit excuse for a band, and that should have been the end of her career, but instead she's become the darling of the British media, held on a pedestal that she so clearly does not deserve to occupy.

I'm not saying people don't deserve second chances, but she showed no remorse for her actions (and I don't think she's ever apologised to the victim), and has made a career out of being a complete bitch, who's clearly prepared to destroy anyone that stands in her way. Read more!

Let's all join the BNP

No, I haven't turned into a mental racist, but I do like the idea that the British National Party will have to amend its constitution to allow membership for people who aren't 'indigenous whites'. Clearly, the bigots that run this organisation don't want to do this, but The Equality and Human Rights Commission has deemed its current membership criteria to be illegal, and if the BNP really wants to spread its poison, it will have to open its doors or face being shut down.

Nick Griffin: A keen advocate for keeping

the gene pool as small as possible

As things stand, I wouldn't be allowed to join the party, because I'm not an indigenous white, because I'm half Chinese. However, my father was an indigenous white, so maybe I'd be entitled to a half membership; a free subscription to the fanzine, but I have to pay for the T-shirt - something like that.

However, if the BNP has to become inclusive, I could certainly apply to become a member, although I assume the request would be refused. Indeed, unless the party is forced to accept some non-whites, there's nothing stopping it implicitly enforcing its current racist policies.

Hopefully, the make-up of its membership will be monitored to ensure it's not continuing to discriminate. If that happens, I think it would be very tempting to join up. Can you imagine what it would be like at their meetings if they were surrounded by the very people who their vitriol was aimed at? They probably would be quite so brave then, would they? Also, there would a great deal of potential for mischief, and once inside, it would be far easier for us 'ethnics' to really disrupt this disgusting excuse for a political party. In fact, if enough non-racists (whites included) joined the party, maybe we could finally drive them underground where, frankly, they belong. Read more!

Two men and a big pile of cash

Apparently, key figures in Zimbabwe's power-sharing government are quarrelling over how to spend recently donated funds. Finance Minister Tendai Biti (of the MDC party) says the $800 million should only be used once a budget plan is in place, while Central Bank governor Gideon Gono, an ally of President Hitl... sorry, Mugabe, is impatient at the speed at which the money is being spent. Gono knows exactly where the money should be going: it's called the Zanu-PF social fund.

Of course, Biti is quite right to be suspicious of Gono, whose mismanagement is surely a significant contributor to the country's economic collapse. It doesn't help matters that many key Zanu-PF members live in ostentatious palaces, while the rest of the country struggles. If Gono is allowed any control of these funds, it will only mean a few more houses for the President and a more jewels for his evil wife.

If Zanu-PF really wants to make this government work, it has to understand that the MDC has to be cautious. If a dog viciously attacks you, you're not then going to leave it in a room with your children, are you? However, that's pretty much what Zanu-PF is expecting. Of course, one way to calm a dog would be lobotomise it but, unfortunately, in the case of Mugabe and his cronies, it seems like it's already been done.
Read more!

McDonalds: may contain nuts

Without going into the details of what I was doing there in the first place, I was in McDonalds last week, and I bought my daughter a Happy Meal (probably not the best bit of parenting on my part, I admit).

Anyway, the toy consisted of an ice lolly mould shaped like a squid. As it happens, it was crap at making lollies, but the thing that really interested me was the small sticker book that came with it, which featured three stickers of squids.

As a parent, I was happy with the educational slant taken by this product, but after placing the sticker in the book, I was shocked by what I was left with.

Although I'm hardly the paragon of maturity, I think it's fairly obvious these look like penises, albeit rather worringly bumpy ones. To make matters worse, the book features a character called Captain Cook (played by a TV chef whose name I don't remember; he's the northern one with the tache), and the whole range of toys comes under the banner of 'Planet Cook', as the logo on these stickers shows. If you're as childish as I clearly am, it's easy to read that second 'O' as a 'C'. Shocking!

What's the world coming to when Happy Meals contain pictures of male genitalia? Isn't it bad enough that the food already tastes like bollocks? Read more!

Two astronauts walk into a bar...

The circus entrepreneur Guy Laliberte is going into space, as anyone who's seen the news today will know. The latest in a line of high-profile space tourists, videos showed him going through the preparations for the trip - while wearing a red nose! What a wacky man he clearly is.

Is it just me, or does he seem like the last person you'd want to be stuck in a confined space with?

I'm sure he means well, but god damn he looks annoying. I just wonder whether the astronauts involved will be able to put up with his attempts make them laugh, or whether they'll crack and launch him out of the airlock, along with his unicycle, oversized shoes and water-spraying flower. Read more!